Z's Book of Woes

Z's Book of Woes
Chapter One: The Names

As a baby, there are certain things that I have learned tolerate and expect from my parents. One of them is the high pitched voice. The squeaks and shrieks can be expected from the parents on a regular basis, and tend to spike around periods of overstimulation. These fits of squeakiness can be avoided by minimizing communication with the parents: reduce smile and giggle imput by 50% for best results. Something else I've learned to accept from the parents is extreme fatigue at late night feedings. Though the droopy eyes and awkward handling are somewhat entertaining from an objective standpoint, I've found the feedings to be inadequate and unsatisfactory. I suggest that other babies reduce demand as much as possible to solve this parental deficit.

What I am absolutely unable to fathom, or tolerate, is the use of diminutive names. Alliterations and rhymes seem to be popular themes in the creation of such names. Mr. Chubbly Wubbly, Cutsie Wootsie, and Smiley-bo-biley are common. However, my LEAST favorite name has been the first choice of my linguistically challenged parents of late: Mr. Darling Pants. Could they possibly think of a more humiliating and emasculating name for a strapping young man like myself? Any suggestions on how to modify this behavior by the parents are welcome.

Click here for photos of Z's weekend woes.